Rules of Engagement

I see them fight all the time. One steals the cricket ball from the other and they begin to punch each other to get it back. A little one is playing carrom and the older one goes out of turn and they begin to hit each other. Arguments over football calls result in half nelsons. Two boys wrestle over access to the same hula hoop, toy car, tennis ball, storybook. And I don't know what to do about it.

On the face of it, it seems obvious. I should immediately try and break up the fights. I should try to convince them that they take turns, switch off, or let go of the toy and play with something else if one boy is too stubborn. And that's what I have done so far. They seem to be listening and even despite their limited understanding of English and my few words of Bengali, they understand what I am saying. They even cease fighting, though only after giving each other angry glares. And so, maybe what I'm doing is working, maybe they are trying to solve the problems without fighting.

But I think that if I'm not there, they will only revert to their original ways. And it's sort of easy to see why. Fighting brings them immediate results; the weaker one or the one less willing to take pain for the item in contention will give up quickly and the problem is solved. Fighting, too, guarantees complete victory: if I am willing to take your ball and I'm strong enough, there's not much you can do to stop me.

It's not as if this behavior is unique to these children. In America, young boys fight all the time and use aggression to solve problems. Furthermore, the boys I work with have come from the street where survival of the fittest, and probably most aggressive, is the sad fact of life. And I'm sure the rough and tumble of rugby does nothing to mitigate these aggressive impulses as tackling and wrestling are encouraged in order to win.

So where do I stand? On the one hand, I think it's my duty to break up fights where these kids could really hurt others or even themselves. I can't stand by while two boys scratch, kick, and punch just to gain possession of a ball. And I want to do all that I can to make sure diplomacy is favored over aggression, that the kids learn that compromise is usually the best way to go if you want less pain and anger.

But on the other hand, the fighting usually isn't overly aggressive. Rather, it's a quick way for a kid to get what he wants. And in the context of their upbringing and because of the social hierarchy that's already being developed, fighting is the natural way to solve problems and maintain one's place in the group of boys. Also, I don't want the kids, especially the younger ones, to get dependent on me coming to the rescue all the time, to pick fights they can't win and hope I'm there to help because I just can't be there all the time.

Maybe sometimes I just have to let kids find the right way of dealing with each other themselves rather than me showing them how to solve problems because that might be the only way for them to truly learn. But it's so hard to watch two adorable children get vicious and fight each other.

So for now, I'll be stopping most of the fights when I see them beginning. I'll try and show them that trying to find a solution without fighting could just work out best for all involved. If I can stop the fights and make it obvious that not fighting works out better, maybe the learning will still happen. Already, at least around me, the boys seem to be less violent with each other (though I'm usually offering alternatives when I see problems developing). We'll see what happens.